On the first few dates that Nadine and I had, discussions of our past spouses came to the surface.  Nadine had been married for 24 years when her late husband developed cancer.  Over the process of a year she saw him become less and less involved in the business and finally experienced his death.  He had been gone for 9 years when we began to date.  Nadine relived the wonderful experiences of their marriage as well as times that were very difficult.  It was during those times that I learned to appreciate the characteristics internal to her life.  When she talked about the challenges of her past life, it helped me to become sensitized to the possible triggers that could cause disconnection between the two of us.

It was at breakfast during our first meeting that I revealed to Nadine the horrific ending to my late wife’s life, suicide.  Cynthia had major back pain for about a year with two surgeries that did nothing to stem the increasing pain she was experiencing.  During this time she was getting only about 1 1/2 hours of sleep a night, so she was sleep deprived and experiencing consistent, excruciating pain.  The back doctor told her that this would be her life from now on, chronic pain constantly vying for her attention.  She was in such intense pain that the doctor eventually prescribed her Lyrica, a nerve blocker with the side effect of suicide. With the thought of living the rest of her life in pain, she decided that the reality of her future was not worth what she would have to endure and on June 29, 2008 she took her life.

I do remember a pastor asking me this question the day after she died, “Jim, do you have any regrets?” I responded without hesitation, I had no regrets in terms of wishing I would have said something or done something differently with Cynthia.  There were no unresolved issues between us when she died, so my regrets weren’t from wishing I could or would have done things that I now didn’t have the chance to do.  My regret and grief was over losing the person I thought I would live the rest of my life with.

For Nadine, Stacey’s death brought a sense of relief from the long process of chemotherapy and other treatment programs sought to fight the cancer in his body.  She had no regret about her efforts to work on their marriage and make it the best it could be. However, there were unresolved issues that left scars in her life, just as there were in mine. So, it was healthy to talk about our pasts with one another and process some of our experiences together.  The death of Nadine’s late husband was much farther back in time than was Cynthia’s death; therefore, elements of my process were a bit different from Nadine’s. However, there were also many thing in common they we could share and discuss with one another, such as being solo parents for our children moving forward.

Both of us had dated since our spouses died, and this had influenced some of our perspectives on life.  I do think problems arise when people jump into new relationship while their past relationships are still so fresh and the hurts are still bleeding.  If you move on to a new relationship while you are still healing from the past you aren’t able to give your whole focus to this new person in front of you.

When you experience the death or divorce of a spouse, it’s healthy to give yourself a year or two to allow the wounds of the past to heal.  If you find that in a new relationship, the sole topic or the majority of your conversation is focused on your past relationship, it might be an indicator that you haven’t healed properly and you are not ready yet to move forward.

Principle

Talking about past partners is very healthy in a new relationship, as long as it doesn’t overwhelm the conversation.  The past can and often does give individuals insight into the soul of another person as well as the triggers they may need to become sensitized to.