I love playing Risk.  It’s a game of strategy in seeking to dominate the world.  It’s played with armies of different color and continents divided into different countries.  The object of the game is world domination where your armies do battle with the enemy by throwing dice and seeking to completely destroy your enemy.  The more countries and continents you own, the more armies you can fortify as you seek to do battle on your various fronts.  You choose where to do your battles and fortify your troops with more armies.  Your enemies (others playing) are also choosing where to go to battle and are fortifying their troops.  It is an intense game and it feels great when you win a battle, but not so great when your armies get eliminated.  In Risk, you can’t take on every battle, but have to choose wisely the battles that are most important to you.

As you are finding a mate to live with, where do they draw the battle lines?  What are your battle lines?  This is where you need to have similar mind-sets about what is important and what are the negotiable issues in life.  There are so many areas in life, so many relationships, so many issues, so many chores to do that it becomes difficult to sort out what battle lines to draw.

One option in dealing with these issues is to just let your partner set the lines in the relationship.  When you do this, you won’t have any conflicts between the two of you because you will allow the other person to make all the decisions about finances, child raising, chore allocation, etc., but there is a downside to this strategy.  You begin to lose your identity because you give up what’s important to you for the sake of the relationship.  In other words you become a chameleon.

Another option in dealing with issues is to make sure that you win every battle that comes along.  This is a person who is controlling and needs to be in control of all decisions that happen in the relationship.  You win the battle, but you ultimately lose the war.  The downside risk of this choice is that you will alienate those around you because no one likes to have someone in control of all that happens in a connected relationship.  You become an alligator of winning at all costs.

A third option is to emotionally or physically withdraw from the person when conflict comes.  This strategy keeps you from getting hurt because you are running away from any conflict.  No problems get solved because those who withdraw don’t stick around to find out the solution to the problem.   The downside risk is that you never get close to the person because you are always in a run-away mode.  You become like the hermit crab.

The fourth option is the most healthy and that is the resolve approach.  Very few couples get to this option because it takes time and energy to really listen to what is important to the other person.  The premise behind this approach is to find out what is important to each person and then use the important issues of each person and seek to find a mutually  acceptable solution to the problem.  There may be several possible solutions but finding a mutually acceptable and mutually agreeable solution is the key to this fourth option.

Let me give you an illustration.  A couple came in and wanted to go on a vacation, but had failed many times before because they couldn’t agree on the best vacation.  I began to ask each of them what they viewed as important elements of a vacation.  Mutual respect involves understanding what is important to the other person becomes the framework on which to find mutually acceptable solutions.  He gave me a solution which didn’t incorporate the wife’s important elements of a vacation and therefore wasn’t an acceptable solution. She gave me a solution which didn’t incorporate his important elements and therefore wasn’t acceptable to him.  Over the course of 4 weeks we went through 23 alternative solutions, and on the 24 solution we found a solution the incorporated both the husband’s and the wife’s important elements.  They both totally agreed on the vacation solution and had a great time (first time in 25 years of marriage).

Principle:  Finding mutually acceptable and agreeable solutions are the key to keeping the battle lines at bay in a marital relationship as well as setting up blended family structures.  Listening to what is important to the other person in solving the problem sets the stage for being able to find those mutually acceptable and agreeable alternative.