Author: James Gorton

Hummingbird War Games

Over the weekend Nadine and I saddled up our horses (car horses that is) and headed for the high country of Flagstaff for some R&R.  We typically drive up on Thursday night and come back on Monday morning, although on this trip we started out on Friday afternoon.  Neither of us had eaten much that day and decided to cook us some vegetables (I mean just vegetables) for our supper.

Our menu for the night consisted of blackened brussels sprouts, garlic sautéed mushrooms, finishing the meal with apple slices layered with peanut butter.  It may not sound all that exciting, but it was sooo good after a long day of work.  We sat on our front porch in our love seat swing and watched the harvest moon begin to peak through the ponderosa pines.  The coolness of the night setting in caused our bodies to decompress and want the comforts of our California king mattress.  It didn’t take long for our heads to hit the pillow fall asleep.

Saturday morning begins with a 4.65 mile walk around the grounds with our 8-year-old Cavalier King Charles puppy named Monte.  He loves the walk, but on the last mile he was dragging, but he made it.  It was time to pull the lounge chairs out from under the patio awning and take a breather.  I do need to tell you that I have fed birds on my back patio for over 25 years and love to see all kinds of birds that come to the feeder.  I also have a hummingbird feeder that draws in hummingbirds for a drink of especially mixed ingredients for their palate.

Nadine and I had no idea what was in store for us to enjoy when the hummingbirds came to drink.  There were several personalities present in the theater of hummingbird dances.  The first hummingbird to come to the water was a quiet soul that made no sound but just wanted to feed and move on.  She (I say she because the males make loud sounds, but the females are quiet) would point her beak into the drinking hole for a few seconds and then go to the next hole and the next.  Once she was satisfied, she would fly off.

The males didn’t want anyone to come and drink from the well of delight and would scare off any seekers of the delicious beverage.  The one male in particular would sit on a branch not far from the feeder and would wait for a seeker to come and would chase them off, signifying that it (the feeder) was his and his alone.  Little did he know that as he was gone, others would come to the feeder and get their fill of the delightful nectar.

One time another male came to drink and the squatter of the feeder took off in a war to keep this intruder from getting any of the juice.  The males went beak to beak and fought for over a minute in mid-air with their beaks seeking to win an advantage over the other, all the while other hummingbirds were coming to the feeder to drink.

The highlight of our time came when one of the younger female hummingbirds came to the porch and did an amazing thing.  She hovered over Nadine’s head about 2-3 feet above her and stopped.  As she was hovering above her head, it seemed like forever  that the hummingbird was checking her out and maybe getting a scent of her perfume that she wanted some of.  We don’t know what it was all about, but for 20-30 seconds she just hovered, moving just above her head, and then moving to where her hands were.  After getting enough of whatever she wanted, she moved to the feeder, drank her fill, and flew off.

There are so many comparisons in our personal lives and relationships we can glean from God’s creation.  In family structures, there are those who just want to satisfy their needs in life and move on.  There are others in family relationships that are so determined to protect their turf and not allow anyone else in the family to get the upper hand that they lose out on taking care of their own needs.  They chase others away from potentially having a wonderful impact in their own lives.  There are those that are so committed to doing battle with other members of the family and isolate themselves from connecting with a support system that is so needed.

Finally there are family members like the inquisitive hummingbird who take time to find out about others in the family structure and to smell the perfume.  On this journey in building healthier families, it might be helpful to determine what kind of person you are and work on moving to healthier places of connection within your own family system

Empty-nest

There comes a time in every parents life when the last child leaves the nest. Well my time came this last week when my youngest son decided he wanted to move into an apartment with two of his closest friends about 15 minutes away from our house.  You see he’s not moving to another city, or to a neighboring state.  He’s not moving to states away or even across the country.  He’s not moving across the seas to a different country.  It’s only 15 minutes from home base.  15 minutes.

You would think that I would have no problems with this move as he’s out of the house.  Yet on the first night, I was experiencing some feelings I had never had before.  This parenting experience for me started 30 years ago when Deborah came into our lives December 12, 1978.  Another child entered my life 13 years later with the birth of Victoria on November 14, 1991.  Carter was born on January 5, 1997.  So I have been in the child centered stage of life for 37 years of my life, or over half of my life.  I can’t really remember a time when I didn’t have children.  I wondered what I would be like having no children in the house, but it seemed so far away as my children continued to grow and slowly moved away.

The time finally came as my last left the nest.  There was no knock on the bedroom door stating that he was home from the movies.  No plopping on the bed to summarize where he had been.  No asking me for a late night snack.  No expressing his need for the clothes to be washed.  No child in his room playing video games.  No backing the car up in the driveway trying to avoid a fender bender.  No noise in the house of his friends deciding to sleep over.  He was gone and it was quiet.  He was nowhere to be seen.  I was experiencing the empty-nest for the first time in 37 years.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful wife that I love to spend time with so that my focus is on all experiences and activities that we love to share.  Biking.  Hiking.  Going to new restaurants.  Trying a new brussels sprouts recipe together.  Talking about the challenges of employees.  Brainstorming new ways of marketing businesses.  Doting on new pictures of our grandsons.  Getting excited about the potty training of our middle grandson.  I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that I have a life beyond the child centered stage of life and it causes me to focus on the present and future and not on what I have lost.

In the midst of raising children, it is critically important to cultivate your relationship with your spouse on a daily basis so that you have something to look forward to when the children do leave the nest.  A large percentage of married couples divorce after the children leave because of this important step of the family life cycle.  If you are in this stage–empty-nest–one suggestion might be to begin to develop commonality with your spouse.  It might involve taking a cooking class together or taking dance lessons.  It might be to go hiking or taking a camera class together.  It doesn’t matter what it is but taking the first step to connect in some way that helps you to begin to move forward in the future with your spouse.

First Steps in Blended Family Parenting: Part I Meshing your Minds

It was during the 35th year of our anniversary that my late wife died.  I never imagined that I would be single in my 50’s thinking about finding another mate for my life.  I needed to deal with my grief as well as thinking about taking care of two of my three children that were still in the home.  It was a crisis of giant proportion in working full-time, seeking to pay my bills, making breakfasts, lunches and dinners, cleaning the house, getting the kids to school, getting them to bed, as well as trying to be a mother and father to my kids that had just lost their mother.  There were times that I would sit on the couch or chair frozen with so many things to do and not knowing where to start.  The more I sat, the more frozen I became.  It was only when I thought about doing one thing-washing a dish, or making my bed-that I began to move from immobility to action.  You could say that I was depressed and needed to focus forward rather than dwelling on what I had lost.

It was after a few months that I dated a couple of women, but dating was an uphill battle.  I found that the women I dated had very different perspectives of life, of parenting, of dating, of almost anything.  Their baggage–and mine–caused us to be in different library sections, not even in the same book.  Trying to make a relationship work when two people who think so differently caused me to become disillusioned about ever finding a person that I could live with for the rest of my life.

This experience brought me to a principle that is critically important in blending families.  The principle involves having two people have like-mindedness and similar views on the importance of family and parenting.  It is in the early stages of dating that  questions need to be asked about their views of their children, their goals for their children, their feelings about independence from their families, and what they have done to help their children get to the place where they are 1) Independent, 2) Mature, and 3) Decision-making adults.  Of course there are different child development stages so the answer to these questions will depend on the ages of the children.

It’s one thing to ask these questions to the person you begin to date.  It’s quite another to see how they respond when you are put in a situation and need to put priority on your children.  Partners who are supportive will give full assent to your needing to take time to deal with the issues at hand.  Partners who show concern give you an indication as to where they are in their priorities of child raising.  In writing these last two statements, I am confronted with situations where people put top priority on their children at the cost of the marital relationship.  It’s good for the kids because they feel loved and valued, but it does a number on the marital structure that needs to be top priority.

In the book of Ephesians, Paul the writer, structured the book as a book of priorities.  The structure of Greek puts the most important relationship first, second most important relationship second, and so on.  In Ephesians, the most important relationship that is identified is our relationship with God (Ephesians 1-4)  The husband-wife relationship is the second most important relationship that is identified (Ephesians 5:21-26).  It’s in Ephesians 6 that Paul talks about the relationship with children in being obedient to their fathers and fathers not exasperating their children to anger.  Paul clearly defines the husband-wife relationship as more important than our relationship with our children.  That doesn’t mean that we neglect them, but that we make sure that our marriage takes priority over our children.

Principle

Before we ever come together as a blended family, it is critically important to make sure that our potential spouse and ourself have minds that are capable of meshing together, of getting into the same section of the library, into the same book, the same chapter, and on the same page.  Do we have the same priorities in place?  When our children are in crisis, is there support from our potential partner to deal with the crisis?  What does our partner see in terms of the time we need to carve out to get on the same page?  How do they value a marital relationship versus the parental relationship?

How To Pick A Mate: Part IV: Battle Lines

I love playing Risk.  It’s a game of strategy in seeking to dominate the world.  It’s played with armies of different color and continents divided into different countries.  The object of the game is world domination where your armies do battle with the enemy by throwing dice and seeking to completely destroy your enemy.  The more countries and continents you own, the more armies you can fortify as you seek to do battle on your various fronts.  You choose where to do your battles and fortify your troops with more armies.  Your enemies (others playing) are also choosing where to go to battle and are fortifying their troops.  It is an intense game and it feels great when you win a battle, but not so great when your armies get eliminated.  In Risk, you can’t take on every battle, but have to choose wisely the battles that are most important to you.

As you are finding a mate to live with, where do they draw the battle lines?  What are your battle lines?  This is where you need to have similar mind-sets about what is important and what are the negotiable issues in life.  There are so many areas in life, so many relationships, so many issues, so many chores to do that it becomes difficult to sort out what battle lines to draw.

One option in dealing with these issues is to just let your partner set the lines in the relationship.  When you do this, you won’t have any conflicts between the two of you because you will allow the other person to make all the decisions about finances, child raising, chore allocation, etc., but there is a downside to this strategy.  You begin to lose your identity because you give up what’s important to you for the sake of the relationship.  In other words you become a chameleon.

Another option in dealing with issues is to make sure that you win every battle that comes along.  This is a person who is controlling and needs to be in control of all decisions that happen in the relationship.  You win the battle, but you ultimately lose the war.  The downside risk of this choice is that you will alienate those around you because no one likes to have someone in control of all that happens in a connected relationship.  You become an alligator of winning at all costs.

A third option is to emotionally or physically withdraw from the person when conflict comes.  This strategy keeps you from getting hurt because you are running away from any conflict.  No problems get solved because those who withdraw don’t stick around to find out the solution to the problem.   The downside risk is that you never get close to the person because you are always in a run-away mode.  You become like the hermit crab.

The fourth option is the most healthy and that is the resolve approach.  Very few couples get to this option because it takes time and energy to really listen to what is important to the other person.  The premise behind this approach is to find out what is important to each person and then use the important issues of each person and seek to find a mutually  acceptable solution to the problem.  There may be several possible solutions but finding a mutually acceptable and mutually agreeable solution is the key to this fourth option.

Let me give you an illustration.  A couple came in and wanted to go on a vacation, but had failed many times before because they couldn’t agree on the best vacation.  I began to ask each of them what they viewed as important elements of a vacation.  Mutual respect involves understanding what is important to the other person becomes the framework on which to find mutually acceptable solutions.  He gave me a solution which didn’t incorporate the wife’s important elements of a vacation and therefore wasn’t an acceptable solution. She gave me a solution which didn’t incorporate his important elements and therefore wasn’t acceptable to him.  Over the course of 4 weeks we went through 23 alternative solutions, and on the 24 solution we found a solution the incorporated both the husband’s and the wife’s important elements.  They both totally agreed on the vacation solution and had a great time (first time in 25 years of marriage).

Principle:  Finding mutually acceptable and agreeable solutions are the key to keeping the battle lines at bay in a marital relationship as well as setting up blended family structures.  Listening to what is important to the other person in solving the problem sets the stage for being able to find those mutually acceptable and agreeable alternative.

How To Pick a Mate: Part III: Self-Focused VS Other-Focused

I was a baby boomer.  My sister and I were born after World War II.  The baby boomers were also dubbed the “Me Generation” by writer Tom Wolfe in the 1970’s.  Those who grew up between 1946 and 1964 were in this category and manifested similar characteristics.  Self-realization.  Self-fulfillment.  Self-help.  New Age.  Disposable Income. Sexual Revolution.  Narcissism.  The focus was more on self and what was important to me than on others.  Mind you, not everyone manifested these traits, but the culture cultivated this mindset with movies such as Ordinary People (1980), An Unmarried Woman (1978), and others.  You can imagine the kinds of conversations that ensued with individuals who were self-focused.  The conversation would usually be one-sided were one person would talk about his or her life, his or her interests, what was important to them, with little or no questions coming back the other way.

You may have experienced this kind of person when interacting with them.  You introduce yourself to them and they begin to talk about themselves.  Only about themselves and their interests.  They love to talk.  They get energized when you ask them questions about themselves, but there is never any questions coming back.  I remember a few months ago taking my son to Las Vegas for a lacrosse tournament.  He was on an all-star team and I didn’t know any of the parents, so he encouraged me to reach out and connect with them.  I went up to two of the parents and began asking them how long they lived in the valley.  I asked where their son went to high school.  I asked what position he played on and what he was planning to do with his lacrosse after high school.  After asking 5-6 questions, I was thinking there might be a question coming back to me in the same regard.  Nothing.  They could care less about me or my journey or my sons journey.  The conversation quickly died without me firing the flame of questions.

In interacting with people, it becomes apparent very quickly whether a person is self-focused or other-focused.  Don’t get me wrong.  I believe it is important to love yourself and cultivate your interests and dreams.  BUT there is a balance of self-focusing and other-focusing.  If you only focus on others, there is a tendency to lose yourself and your identity.  If you only focus on yourself, you find yourself having great esteem about yourself, but few friends and associates.  People unfortunately don’t like to be around others who are all about themselves.

Principle

This is a good time to check yourself as to where you are on the continuum of self-focus versus other-focus.  Your evaluation of yourself can contribute to your personal growth in either direction so you live a balanced life.  You can then see clearly in interacting with others who manifest a similar balance.

How To Pick A Mate: Part II: Listening to Past History

A few years ago I was required to go to a family open house with people I would never see again nor had any common connections with.  It was a 3 hour Christmas open house and I dreaded it.  Small talk is not my forte, but I can do it.  I stopped by two people who were talking about going to their doctors during the week and the aches and pains they were experiencing.  Another person was talking about the social security problems they had to deal with.  As you can see I was dreading the next three hours.

So I went up to this man and thought I would change the topic of conversation, so I ask him if he had ever been in World War II.  He said yes and so I promptly asked him what he did.  He replied that he was General George Patton’s personal tank driver.  for the next three hours I was engrossed with conversation, question after question coming from my mind.  “Tell me about the Patton’s dog.”  “How realistic was the depiction of the real Patton to the movie ‘Patton’?”  “What kind of person was he in real life?”  “What do you remember most about your experience with him?”  “How did he treat you?”  Question after question came to my mind about his personal history and the richness he was bringing to the table.

History of the person we are dating can enlighten us as to the kind of person we are attempting to connect with.  As they tell about their family of origin, the stories of their experiences with their father, mother, and siblings can shine a light on how important relationships are.  If they have a great connection with their father, it can help us see whether they respect men/women as compared with negative relationships with those family members.  The more positive stories they share, the greater potential for healthy family connections.

When people are describing their past, is there a tendency to focus on the positive things of life, or to dwell on the negative aspects?  Realists are people who see both positive and negative aspects of experiences, but they can become too negative and become Debbie downers.  Idealists are those who only look at the positive and are great to be around, but may not incorporate the negative things of life and run away from conflicts because of the negative nature that arguments can bring.

Broken relationships of the past can bring insight to a person as well.  When a person reveals the reasons for the break up, do they point the finger at the other person and the factors they brought to the table that caused the demise of the relationship?  People who have a tendency to blame others for the dissolution of a relationship may have difficulty in admitting fault for what they bring to the table.  I assume only one thing when I counsel people who come into my office–everyone who walks through my door is flawed like I am.  I make mistakes daily and I assume that others do.  It’s easy to say that I am not perfect, but an entirely different matter to identify what specifically I contribute to the deterioration of that relationship.  Too much time talking about broken relationships can indicate some unresolved issues of the past and the holding on to bitterness and resentment of what that person said or did.

Principle

Past personal history brings rich knowledge and wisdom to our decision-making skills.  Opening our ears to listen can potentially cause us to miss the pitfalls of unhealthy connections.

How To Pick A Mate: Part I Character Traits

Our first date, the breakfast experience, where we shared our backgrounds, our baggage, our past, set up a desire for us to want to see and hear more from each other.  Questions that surfaced from the first meeting began to bubble in our minds.  “How did you feel when she did that?”  “What did you do when that happened?”  “What were you thinking when they took that action?”  “How long did it take you to get over that hurt?”  “What did you do next?”  “How did it affect your present relationships?”  “What kind of support did you have when you were going through this experience?”  It seemed that the more the mind thought of what had been talked about, the more questions surfaced.

It was during our next date that these kind of questions came to the surface.  I invited Nadine over to my house for a barbecue when Carter wasn’t home in a relaxing atmosphere to gain more insight into her life, and she mine.  It was in April so we sat outside and talked for hours.

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It’s in the early stages of interaction that personality and character traits emerge.  I can only speak for myself, but I saw a very loving and giving person.  Here are some of the positive character traits that I began to find in Nadine.  She sacrificed herself (giving) in many ways to take care of the needs of others.  She had very strong opinions (a mind of her own) on certain topics and wasn’t afraid to voice those opinions.  She ran a business with 18 employees and had a business mind.  Her care was manifest in the way she took care of her employees and her customers.  She was an independent thinker and was self-assured when it came to business and personal life.  She was very articulate and verbalized her perspective in clear and understandable ways.  I appreciated this trait more as we continued our relationship, but when she told a story or gave her perspective of something, by the end as you listened to her you had few if any questions to fill in the missing pieces.  She was interested in my story and my life and asked many questions because of her interest in me.  One of the characteristics that hit me the most was the way she manifested grace to the baggage I brought to the table.  I never felt judged for the past and always felt that I was accepted for who I was and my stuff.

Principle

In beginning a new relationship, it is important to define the qualities of the person you are dating.  These qualities set the foundation for moving forward with this person.  This step can also help in setting up boundaries for relationships that are negative and unhealthy.

Unwiring The Mine/Mind Field

My father served in World War II and was successful in coming home after the war.  He landed on Normandy Beach D-Day plus 4 and had as part of his responsibility the clean up of soldiers, German and American, on the beach.  I have a whole box of German metals and swastikas that were cut from the dead soldiers.  World War II was won and the American and British soldiers came back to their homeland, but something was left in France and other countries where the war was fought.  Land Mines.  Thousands of them.  When you read the stories of these mines, the French used German POW’s to be mine clearers after the war.  There is no clear record of how many died, but an estimate of 1800 were killed in the early mine sweeping expeditions.

There are still reports as late as December 2011 of these mines blowing up, 65+ years later.  The war was won decades ago, but the mines that were planted 1/2 century ago are still having an impact in the countries in which they were wired.  In a similar way, we can resolve the issues of the past, but there may be triggers in the present or the future that cause us to respond or react in similar ways of the past that need to be unwired.  Let me give you an example.

I grew up with a perfectionistic father who looked at life from a negative lens.  I remember cutting the grass for the first time and was so proud of what I had done.  When I showed him my accomplishment, he said, “You missed a spot.”  He didn’t see all the blades of grass I had cut, but saw the ones I missed.  When I cleaned tools for him, he didn’t see the tools I cleaned but the spots I missed.  I had resentment from these interactions with him and I resolved my sophomore year in college and he and I cultivated a wonderful relationship until he died in 1990.  The problem I began to see is that when I interacted with personalities that were similar to my dad, I would react to them the same way I did with my dad.  I pushed limits so when he said to be home at 10:00 pm, I would be home at 10:02.  It was a passive way I used to vent my frustration toward him.  Well, I did the same thing toward bosses I had and got in trouble for it.  I had to unwire the triggers and realize that even though I had victory with my dad, there were mines in my mind that I had to unwire.

In order to unwire the mine/mind field’s, we first of all need to become aware of the patterns of reactions we have when someone triggers the mine in our minds.  I realized that when people in my life with similar personalities of my father came along, I would react in similar ways that I did with my father.  The first step in unwiring a mine is to realize that it is there.  Any denial, minimization, or justification when someone confronts us will cause us to react in similar ways and keep the mine wired for future explosions.  The next step is to set up an interaction that can elicit a different response.  Had my dad focused on saying some positive things about what I was doing, I would have been able to react in a different way and not see the mine triggered.

Principle

Dealing with and resolving past issues is an important step.  Becoming aware of possible mines in our head as a result of the effects of those issues need to be dealt with.  Awareness of the mine/mind is the first step in the process of unwiring those mines and experiencing freedom for maximizing our present and future relationships.

Dealing with Past Issues: Part IV–Forgiving Yourself

As I was thinking of the three scenarios of this series, I forgot to mention one last element of dealing with past issues.  I have covered the need to forgive others who have wronged us and are willing to step up to the plate and ask for forgiveness of us.  I have dealt with people who are no longer in our lives but have had a negative effect on our mindset.  We need to be willing to forgive them if they ever stepped up to the plate and took responsibility for their part in our past issues.  The last part that was addressed centered on going and confronting those who had wronged us but continued to be apart of our lives in the present.

The last issue to discuss involves forgiving yourself.  We hear the need to seek God’s forgiveness for what we have done wrong.  That is important to get His direction for our lives.  We need to seek forgiveness from others we have wronged so that we can be in connection with them.  Very healthy to do.  We need to face others who have wronged us so that we can hopefully remove the issue that stops us from having connection with that person.  Also very important to do.  But what about forgiving ourselves for things that we have done that we aren’t able to forgive ourselves.  Do you continually beat yourself up for something you have done in the past that haunts you?  Do you question God’s forgiveness for that issue even though you have asked Him over and over for His forgiveness?  Is it so big and so terrible that you have carried the guilt of it with you for a long time?  Are you so embarrassed about your past actions that you have never shared your offense with anyone?

The first step in forgiving yourself is to make sure that you know that God has forgiven you.  John, an apostle of Christ, wrote about God forgiving us and said, “If we confess our sins, God is faithful and righteous to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9.  He doesn’t qualify what sins are forgiven or say that certain sins can’t be forgiven.  Forgiveness is solely based on our willingness to take responsibility and confess our sins.  If we confess, He forgives.  So if you have confessed your past issue with Him, He has forgiven it.  Simple as that.  What He wants from us is to thank Him for His forgiveness of that issue.  Our thankfulness is a demonstration of faith in believing that He has forgiven it. So every time it comes to our mind about that past issue, we need to say to ourselves that issue has been dealt with and never ask forgiveness for it again, because God forgave it.

The second step is to forgive ourself.  If God is able to forgive whatever we have done, don’t you think that He wants us to forgive ourself as well.  The way we forgive ourselves is to make this kind of statement to ourself.  “Thank you God for forgiving me of my past mistake and because you have forgiven me, I am choosing to forgive myself and never beat myself up again for what I have done.  Any time in the future the issue surfaces in my mind, I am going to thank you for your forgiveness and will choose to be thankful that I have forgiven myself and move on.

The act of forgiving myself and then being thankful for God’s forgiveness and then my forgiveness moves me to the present so that I don’t dwell on the past.  I cut away the sins of the past and focus on the present and the future.  I love the passage in Hebrews 12:1-2 which is such a great picture of what the Lord wants me to do with my past.  The previous chapter tells of all the men and women of faith before us who have died and are with the Lord in heaven.  The author then states, “Since we have such a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every sin and encumbrance which so easily entangles us, so that we can run the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and protector of our faith,. . .”  It is so important to lay aside the sins of the past so that we can focus on the present and future relationships and tasks that God has in store for us, He being the focus of our faith.

Principle

By forgiving ourselves and being thankful for His forgiveness, we can begin to live in the present and see all that He has in store for our future without carrying all the past baggage.

Dealing With Past Issues: Part III

We have dealt with two scenarios so far.  The first focused on a person who had wronged you and had stepped up and asked forgiveness and was remorseful.  The second scenario dealt with people in your past who had wronged you and couldn’t be found or had died without resolving the issues with you.

Now we come to the third of the scenarios.  This involves a person who has wronged you and hasn’t taken responsibility for the wrong, but you see or are in contact with.  It could be a mother, father, sister or brother.  It could be a friend or an x you have contact with.  What do you do to resolve past hurts and past issues that have never been addressed?

I was working with a young lady a few years back who could never complete a commitment she had made to male suitors.  She was very attractive and had been engaged to three different men in her life.  She would get up to the wedding date where announcements needed to be mailed and she would call it off.  She had no idea why the pattern in her life continued to manifest itself and that’s where I came in.  She came in for counseling and I began to look at her past relationships as well as her family background.  What surfaced involved unresolved issues with her father.  Her father had rejected her in the past and it caused her to pull back from present male relationships when they got too close.  She had never imagined that those issues could impact her present decisions, but she was willing to discuss them and seek to resolve them.

She called her father and asked if he would be willing to come in to deal with these issues which he willingly did for his daughter.  In the course of the sessions, she confronted him on the issues that had never been resolved between them and once he understood what his contribution was to the problem, he felt remorse for causing his daughter pain and negative feelings toward men.  He apologized for his part and asked for her forgiveness.  The result of this interaction between a father and daughter created a much more intimate and connected interaction between the two of them and she eventually found another man, got engaged, and got married.

There are a few principles in this example that are important in dealing with this third scenario.  The first principle is to go to someone who has wronged you that you can contact and speak to them privately.  In Matthew 18:15+  Jesus is speaking and addresses this past issues by saying, “If your sister or brother hurts you, go and tell them–work it out between  the two of you.  If he/she listens, you’ve made a friend.  If he/she won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again.  If he/she won’t listen, tell the church.  If he/she won’t listen to the church, treat them like an outsider.”

The first step that Jesus sets up is to go to the person who has wronged you and confront them in private.  When we have been wronged, often our thought is that the person who wronged us needs to come to us.  But Jesus says that we need to go to the person.  It’s our move.  If they listen we have won a friend.  In the example I used the daughter had gone to her father and confronted him but he either had minimized the problem or denied any contribution to the problem.  She had come to me because she didn’t know what was causing her to pull away from making commitments in a relationship.

The second step in this process of resolving past issues involves taking a witness with you if the first step doesn’t work.  Again it’s my move to seek reconciliation with someone who has wronged me.  The witness can be a friend, pastor, brother or sister, or a counselor.  In the case of the daughter she was seeking my counsel for the problem.  We had her dad come into the session and he began to take responsibility for what he had done wrong.  He saw his contribution and was remorseful and asked for forgiveness from his daughter.  She gave it and the relationship began to heal after this encounter.

What happens if the person doesn’t listen to the witness.  Jesus says that the third step is to take the person before the church.  If the person doesn’t listen to the church, that person is to be treated as an outsider.  Disconnect from them.  God uses Silence when something happens like this.

In the book of Joshua 6, there is a story of Israel beginning to take over the Promised Land that God was giving them.  God made it specifically clear what they were to take and what was contraband.  After the victory of Jericho, Achan, one of the warriors, took some of the contraband and hid it under his tent.  As you read this story, the Israelites were defeated by a very small town because God said He wouldn’t go with them or speak with them until the problem had been resolved.

In Psalms 66:18 it says that if there are things in my life that I have not dealt with (sin), the Lord will not hear me.  He chooses to use silence and not interact with me until the problems have been resolved.  It would seem that if God uses silence when problems go unresolved, it would follow that He would accept us using the same tool.  The ultimate purpose in confrontation  or silence is to get the attention of the person who has blown it and seek reconciliation.  Reconnection.

Principle

Resolving past issues involves my active participation to go to the person who has wronged my and seek reconciliation.  It doesn’t mean that it will all turn out okay.  Sometimes the person who has wronged us will never take responsibility for their part, but we can move on knowing that we did what God wanted us to do.