Blended Families

Hummingbird War Games

Over the weekend Nadine and I saddled up our horses (car horses that is) and headed for the high country of Flagstaff for some R&R.  We typically drive up on Thursday night and come back on Monday morning, although on this trip we started out on Friday afternoon.  Neither of us had eaten much that day and decided to cook us some vegetables (I mean just vegetables) for our supper.

Our menu for the night consisted of blackened brussels sprouts, garlic sautéed mushrooms, finishing the meal with apple slices layered with peanut butter.  It may not sound all that exciting, but it was sooo good after a long day of work.  We sat on our front porch in our love seat swing and watched the harvest moon begin to peak through the ponderosa pines.  The coolness of the night setting in caused our bodies to decompress and want the comforts of our California king mattress.  It didn’t take long for our heads to hit the pillow fall asleep.

Saturday morning begins with a 4.65 mile walk around the grounds with our 8-year-old Cavalier King Charles puppy named Monte.  He loves the walk, but on the last mile he was dragging, but he made it.  It was time to pull the lounge chairs out from under the patio awning and take a breather.  I do need to tell you that I have fed birds on my back patio for over 25 years and love to see all kinds of birds that come to the feeder.  I also have a hummingbird feeder that draws in hummingbirds for a drink of especially mixed ingredients for their palate.

Nadine and I had no idea what was in store for us to enjoy when the hummingbirds came to drink.  There were several personalities present in the theater of hummingbird dances.  The first hummingbird to come to the water was a quiet soul that made no sound but just wanted to feed and move on.  She (I say she because the males make loud sounds, but the females are quiet) would point her beak into the drinking hole for a few seconds and then go to the next hole and the next.  Once she was satisfied, she would fly off.

The males didn’t want anyone to come and drink from the well of delight and would scare off any seekers of the delicious beverage.  The one male in particular would sit on a branch not far from the feeder and would wait for a seeker to come and would chase them off, signifying that it (the feeder) was his and his alone.  Little did he know that as he was gone, others would come to the feeder and get their fill of the delightful nectar.

One time another male came to drink and the squatter of the feeder took off in a war to keep this intruder from getting any of the juice.  The males went beak to beak and fought for over a minute in mid-air with their beaks seeking to win an advantage over the other, all the while other hummingbirds were coming to the feeder to drink.

The highlight of our time came when one of the younger female hummingbirds came to the porch and did an amazing thing.  She hovered over Nadine’s head about 2-3 feet above her and stopped.  As she was hovering above her head, it seemed like forever  that the hummingbird was checking her out and maybe getting a scent of her perfume that she wanted some of.  We don’t know what it was all about, but for 20-30 seconds she just hovered, moving just above her head, and then moving to where her hands were.  After getting enough of whatever she wanted, she moved to the feeder, drank her fill, and flew off.

There are so many comparisons in our personal lives and relationships we can glean from God’s creation.  In family structures, there are those who just want to satisfy their needs in life and move on.  There are others in family relationships that are so determined to protect their turf and not allow anyone else in the family to get the upper hand that they lose out on taking care of their own needs.  They chase others away from potentially having a wonderful impact in their own lives.  There are those that are so committed to doing battle with other members of the family and isolate themselves from connecting with a support system that is so needed.

Finally there are family members like the inquisitive hummingbird who take time to find out about others in the family structure and to smell the perfume.  On this journey in building healthier families, it might be helpful to determine what kind of person you are and work on moving to healthier places of connection within your own family system

Dealing With Past Issues: Part I

When I was growing up I loved to play on the horizontal monkey bars.  It wasn’t as complex as the monkey domes are today, but it was fun to see how fast you could get across.  I have asked many of my clients to describe the often daunting process of getting across the monkey bars in their lives and everyone has a different answer.  Some have said that you need to have a purpose in getting from one side to the other.  Other responses involves being strong.  A few of my clients have said that you need to have momentum and build up a swinging action to cross to the other side.  Still others have said that you need to go from one bar to the next, taking it one step at a time.  All of these answers are right and are needed to get from one side of a horizontal monkey bar to the other.  But I always tell them, “there is still one key ingredient that is essential to carry out this feat.”  They think and think, and finally give up trying to come up with the answer.  Did you figure it out?  Do you give up?  It’s letting go of the past.  All of the answers above are right and healthy, but if you don’t let go of the past you will never get to the other side.

It’s similar to relationships that we enter seeking to find a significant person to spend the rest of our lives with.  If we don’t let go of our past issues and seek to resolve those things that are considered baggage, we will never experience true happiness in or present relationships or the ones that we are hoping to cultivate.  The principle I am talking about is letting go of the past and the tool for doing that involves forgiveness.

There are three scenarios that I would like to propose in getting rid of the past.  The first involves situations where the person or persons who have wronged you have asked forgiveness. However, we have become so mad, angry, and even bitter that we have been unable to forgive that individual.  I was talking to a friend this morning and he reminded me of a couple in that exact place.  It was 30 years ago when they were young in their relationship and the wife was pregnant with their first baby.  Within a month of her having the baby his work necessitated that he go away for two days within a 6 week period for a task he needed to do.  Both of them talked about the best time to do that and agreed that he should go quickly so that he could be back for the birth.  Unfortunately, he was gone when she gave birth and she never forgave him.  EVERYONE she interacted with from then to this present day has heard the story of her now x-husband not being there for the birth of their first child.  Even with new people she comes in contact with, she will bring up this issue early in the  conversation.  Her husband apologized often for it because he did desperately wanted to be there, but she never forgave him.

In this scenario, it is important to let go of the past, or the past will eat you up.  A principle in Matthew 18 highlights this with the story of a rich man who had a servant who owed him a very large debt and couldn’t pay it back.  The servant was going to be put in prison, but begged for forgiveness and the rich man forgave him of his debt.  He walked away a free man.  This servant has a servant himself who owed him a day’s wages and couldn’t pay it.  His servant begged him to forgive him, but he wouldn’t and threw his servant into prison until he could pay off his debt.  The rich man found out about this atrocity and called in his servant whom he had forgiven.  He said to the man, “I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?”  Because of his lack of forgiveness, the master threw him into prison and made him pay off every penny of his debt.  Then it says, “If you don’t forgive others, God will not forgive you.”

It is a choice we have to say to the person who has wronged us and has asked forgiveness, “I forgive you.”  I assume that everyone reading this Jlog isn’t perfect and has blown it on various occasions.  When we blow it, we surely want others to forgive us.  Can’t we do the same for those who have wronged us and are seeking to be forgiven?

Principle

If we want to have the greatest potential for successful relationships in the future, we need to that we let go of the past and forgive those who have asked for forgiveness.

 

Total Vulnerability

Our relationship started about 4 years ago.  As I indicated earlier, I had taken my car to Airpark Auto Service in early August 2010 to get it serviced.  Nadine came out and talked for over an hour.  I suggested that we go for a cup of coffee sometime and she replied, “That would be great, but let me get Tyler settled into his new High School, and I will give you a call.”

I waited and waited and waited for that call.  It never came.  No text.  No email.  No phone call.  I didn’t know what to think.  Had she blown me off and really didn’t want to go for coffee but was being nice?  Was her interest genuine?  I waited for 9 months and I thought I would give it one more shot, so about May 2011 of the following year, I wrote her an email and put the lack of response on me.  “I have been remiss in not getting back to you about coffee, and was wondering if you wanted to go out for coffee like we had suggested a few months earlier?”

To my surprise, I got an email back within 3 minutes of my email stating that she would love to get together, but that she was driving across country and was in Tennessee as she was writing the email.  She mentioned that she needed two or three weeks to get things settled and she would give me a call.  I had heard that before, but about a week later I called her and we set up a  Friday morning coffee time.

What happened over the next two hours of our conversation was truly remarkable.  I began to reveal things in my closet that I wasn’t proud of but that she needed to know about me and my journey through life.  I told her about the death of my wife (suicide) and it’s effect on me and on my children.  I revealed the journey I had taken in trying to be a single parent, a mother, a father, a provider, all at the same time.  I didn’t want Nadine to find out later down the road about things in my past that I had not revealed to her.  I wanted her to know everything about me and make a decision to move forward with all the truth.  I was totally vulnerable with her.

When she heard my story, she felt safe enough to begin to tell her story and became totally vulnerable with me.  We laid everything out on the table for the other to see.  There were no hidden agendas.  There were no skeletons in the closet.  What you see is what you get.  The foundation for our future relationship was set on solid ground.  We have never been surprised by things of our past, because we both know one another’s past right from the get-go.

Principle

It’s important for someone you are interested in to accept you just the way you are.  If a person has problems of your past, you want to know that right up front and not hear that concern as you move toward commitment with each other.  To have someone know your past and accept you is a wonderful feeling.  It happens when you are totally vulnerable up front.