Cutting away baggage

Hummingbird War Games

Over the weekend Nadine and I saddled up our horses (car horses that is) and headed for the high country of Flagstaff for some R&R.  We typically drive up on Thursday night and come back on Monday morning, although on this trip we started out on Friday afternoon.  Neither of us had eaten much that day and decided to cook us some vegetables (I mean just vegetables) for our supper.

Our menu for the night consisted of blackened brussels sprouts, garlic sautéed mushrooms, finishing the meal with apple slices layered with peanut butter.  It may not sound all that exciting, but it was sooo good after a long day of work.  We sat on our front porch in our love seat swing and watched the harvest moon begin to peak through the ponderosa pines.  The coolness of the night setting in caused our bodies to decompress and want the comforts of our California king mattress.  It didn’t take long for our heads to hit the pillow fall asleep.

Saturday morning begins with a 4.65 mile walk around the grounds with our 8-year-old Cavalier King Charles puppy named Monte.  He loves the walk, but on the last mile he was dragging, but he made it.  It was time to pull the lounge chairs out from under the patio awning and take a breather.  I do need to tell you that I have fed birds on my back patio for over 25 years and love to see all kinds of birds that come to the feeder.  I also have a hummingbird feeder that draws in hummingbirds for a drink of especially mixed ingredients for their palate.

Nadine and I had no idea what was in store for us to enjoy when the hummingbirds came to drink.  There were several personalities present in the theater of hummingbird dances.  The first hummingbird to come to the water was a quiet soul that made no sound but just wanted to feed and move on.  She (I say she because the males make loud sounds, but the females are quiet) would point her beak into the drinking hole for a few seconds and then go to the next hole and the next.  Once she was satisfied, she would fly off.

The males didn’t want anyone to come and drink from the well of delight and would scare off any seekers of the delicious beverage.  The one male in particular would sit on a branch not far from the feeder and would wait for a seeker to come and would chase them off, signifying that it (the feeder) was his and his alone.  Little did he know that as he was gone, others would come to the feeder and get their fill of the delightful nectar.

One time another male came to drink and the squatter of the feeder took off in a war to keep this intruder from getting any of the juice.  The males went beak to beak and fought for over a minute in mid-air with their beaks seeking to win an advantage over the other, all the while other hummingbirds were coming to the feeder to drink.

The highlight of our time came when one of the younger female hummingbirds came to the porch and did an amazing thing.  She hovered over Nadine’s head about 2-3 feet above her and stopped.  As she was hovering above her head, it seemed like forever  that the hummingbird was checking her out and maybe getting a scent of her perfume that she wanted some of.  We don’t know what it was all about, but for 20-30 seconds she just hovered, moving just above her head, and then moving to where her hands were.  After getting enough of whatever she wanted, she moved to the feeder, drank her fill, and flew off.

There are so many comparisons in our personal lives and relationships we can glean from God’s creation.  In family structures, there are those who just want to satisfy their needs in life and move on.  There are others in family relationships that are so determined to protect their turf and not allow anyone else in the family to get the upper hand that they lose out on taking care of their own needs.  They chase others away from potentially having a wonderful impact in their own lives.  There are those that are so committed to doing battle with other members of the family and isolate themselves from connecting with a support system that is so needed.

Finally there are family members like the inquisitive hummingbird who take time to find out about others in the family structure and to smell the perfume.  On this journey in building healthier families, it might be helpful to determine what kind of person you are and work on moving to healthier places of connection within your own family system

Dealing with Past Issues: Part II

My dad died in June 1990 and we had a good relationship when he died. There were some issues that we had to talk about during my high school years that caused disconnection for a few years. He was a perfectionist and communicated from a perfectionist expectation. I remember mowing the grass for the first time when I was 10 and was so excited and wanted him to see. He came out and said, “You missed a spot.”

I would go with him on jobs after he was done with the rural mail route to put in tile or fix plumbing. I was the one who cleaned the tools after the job was done. He didn’t see the tools I had cleaned, but saw the spots I missed.

I resolved these issues with him when I got into college, but what would have happened had he died before I was able to resolve my resentment toward an inability to ever meet up to his expectations. What happens when you have a severing of a relationship, or marriage, or parental tie and are never able to go back to them to deal with and resolve the issue?

This brings up the second scenario. What do you do with relationships of the past where you don’t have opportunity to go back to them and resolve the issue?

Some have said that you need to forgive them and move on. For those of you who have been able to forgive that person who hasn’t asked forgiveness that is fantastic? But there are those who have tried to go down this route and couldn’t put the past issue to rest. For those of you who are in this category, here is an alternative that could release you from this baggage so that you can move on in a healthy way to your present relationships.

I have a couple of questions that need to be asked. Does God forgive every sin even if we don’t ask Him? He says in I John 1:9 that if we ask for forgiveness he is faithful and righteous to forgive us of our sins, but He doesn’t forgive us until we ask. Does God expect us to forgive others who don’t admit fault when He doesn’t? In Ephesians 4:32 it says that we need to forgive others just as God in Christ forgives us. He forgives us “If” we ask for forgiveness. Here is the difference. Jesus is ALWAYS WILLING to forgive us, but the forgiveness is not actualized until we ask for it. His death on the cross-made forgiveness available to all , but we need to confess our sins or acknowledge our sin before He forgives us.

Some will say that if we don’t forgive others, we hold bitterness in our heart. I propose that in the same way that Jesus is always willing to forgive, we can do the same by being willing to forgive someone we will never come in contact with. If they were to sit in front of you and sincerely apologize for what they had done (even if they are no longer here) would you forgive them?

This perspective is based on the premise that when we are willing to forgive others of what they have done, the willingness to forgive released the bitterness we feel so that we can move on even if we never see the person again. For those who have applied this principle to past issues with family members who are no longer here or past marital partners who have wronged them, there has been a burden that has been cut away so that they can move on without bitterness or resentment.

Some who are reading this will have questions and I encourage you to dialogue with me on this. I realize that this has not been taught in the churches for the most part, so you may have questions and I would urge you to dialogue with me on this.

Other passages to look at

Luke 17:3-5

II Samuel 11-12 David and Bathsheba; Confession/Forgiveness

Principle

Willingness to forgive those we no longer have connection with can free us from past baggage and allow us to experience the greatest potential of present/future relationships.